Lasts

So many lasts have been happening lately..
I can't stand this.
I just want everything to stay the same. I guess change can be nice, but only when I have control over it.

To think that there are only a few days left of 2012 is absolutely insane.
So many amazing memories were created this year, I don't want this year to end.

Rough Week

This past week was absolutely terrible. There is no other way to put it honestly. I don't even fully know why it was so difficult. Granted at the end of the week we had a rough basketball game and I had an Advanced Biology test the following day, but it started before all of that..
The highlight of my week was probably a mixture of my seventh and eighth hour study halls on random days..
-setting up the Christmas tree during seventh hour with Erich, Bekah, Nathaniel, James, and Caleb was quite fun.
-decorating the tree with lights with Caleb during eighth hour. All of the burnt out lights ended up on Abby's head and ended up being a nice 'necklace'.
-"decorating" in front of the office with Erich, Bekah, and Caleb. This really involved Bekah and I doing everything while Caleb and Erich acted like the immature guys they truly are. But it was still quite entertaining.
-putting a glittery ornament in Caleb's backpack when he realized it was covered in glitter and had gone to wash his hands. When he found it during eighth hour he asked who put the 'glitter bomb' in there..

Finished!

Well, I've finally finished painting my room! I'm pretty sure this project started my sophomore year..
I still need to choose pictures to put into the frames and paint the frames, but that won't take much time at all. I just need a few suggestions for pictures!

Right Decision

Well, I gave in.
I couldn't not play.
I'm definitely glad I decided to.
Tuesday we played Kohler and won 52-18! I played more than I thought I would actually, only bad thing. I'm probably the only person on the team that doesn't contribute scoring wise.
So this afternoon I think I'm going to go to the gym and shoot and shoot and shoot. I need to make my playing time worth while for the coaches or they will stop putting me in...
I'm definitely glad I decided to play.

I love my team..

Research Paper

So, I should be writing a reseach paper for college writing. Can you guess why I'm not?
Yep, that's right. I'm already sick of it.
I woke up today at 11:30, and by noon I pulled out the backpack and started to work on this paper. So far what I've accomplished has been finding all of my sources and taking notes on most of them. Other than that, this wonderful iPad has provided plenty of distractions.
So, after compiling all of my sources, I managed to take a short "string cheese and water" break.
I now have two sentences done of my introduction paragraph! Aren't I productive?
Well, I ought to get back to this paper before I get distracted again.
Oops, too late.

Lillah

Everytime I hear the good ole' Lutheran hymn, "How Great Thou Art," I think of my great grandma, Lillah Hovland. I never said goodbye the right way to her. I've been holding that in my heart ever sine her funeral. At her funeral we sang this. 

Friday we sang it mixed with "How Great is Our God." I almost cried in assembly. I don't know how I held it in. But I miss her so much. I can't wait until the day comes and I get to see her again.

Oh Lord my God

When I in awesome wonder

Consider all the worlds

Thy hands have made

I see the stars

I hear the rolling thunder

Thy power throughout

The universe displayed

Then sings my soul

My Savior, God, to Thee

How great thou art

How great thou art

Then sings my soul

My Savior, God, to Thee

How great Thou art

How great Thou art

When through the woods

And forest glades I wander

I hear the birds

Sing sweetly in the trees;

When I look down

From lofty mountain grandeur

And hear the brook

And feel the gentle breeze;

Then sings my soul

My Savior, God, to Thee

How great thou art

How great thou art

Then sings my soul

My Savior, God, to Thee

How great Thou art

How great Thou art 

I think of God, 

His son not sparing, 

Sent Him to die,

I scarce can take it in;

That on the cross, my burden

gladly bearing He bled and died 

to take away my sin

Then sings my soul

My Savior, God, to Thee

How great thou art

How great thou art

Then sings my soul

My Savior, God, to Thee

How great Thou art

How great Thou art

When Christ shall come

With shout of acclamation

And take me home

What joy shall fill my heart

Then I shall bow

With humble adoration

And then proclaim My God

How great Thou art

Then sings my soul

My Savior, God, to Thee

How great Thou art

How great Thou art

Then sings my soul

My Savior, God, to Thee

How great Thou art

How great Thou art
How great Thou art

In honor of my dear great grandma, I plan to get "How Great Thou Art" tattooed onto my ribs.
I miss you.

Clean Room

Katherine is getting confirmed this Sunday as an adult member of an LCMS congregation. This is obviously a big deal for my family, with my dad's job and all.
So, of course, we have to have family over. Yippee.
That means cleaning. This past weekend I spent quite a bit of time cleaning my room so it's up to par with my parents' standards. I've made a lot of progress!
The few of you that had seen my room in it's rather dirty state would be impressed! As of now it looks like this...

Miss You

I Miss...

• our movie nights
• cuddling
• driving around doing nothing
• going to parks and acting like we were little kids again
• texting for hours about absolutely nothing
• driving to Appleton, just for you
• Nerf wars
• talking to my grandparents about you
• building forts
• listening to 80s tunes
• annoying my parents about stupid facts about you
• dinner with your family
• watching your soccer games
• picking out what animal to steal from the zoo
• being terrible at disc golf together
• holding your hand
• you being the reason I smiled
• playing video games
• tickle fights
• telling my friends about us
• daydreaming of our next date
• your smell
• going swimming and being attacked from behind
• watching fireworks
• jumping fences
• your odd sense of humor
• talking about superheroes
• feeling like I belonged
• FaceTime dates
• debating about squirrels
• going to concerts
• you.

I Can't Believe

Basketball starts in a week.. 

And I'm not playing this year.

I can't believe I made that decision. It sort of makes me nauseous just thinking about it.

It's hard to believe I'll have so much time this winter to spend with myself. I honestly can't even wrap my mind around the idea of it.

Part of me really wants to play this year, but knows I cant because it'll be "giving in" and showing that I'm weak and won't stand behind my word.

But the other part of me knows it wouldn't be good for me to play. I don't think I'd be mentally stable enough to. The few people I've told using that exact phrasing don't believe me. But I really don't think I'm in a good place to be spending so much extra time doing things that won't pertain to my future.

One huge thing that sucks about me sticking with this decision of not playing, is that one main reason I wasn't going to play this year was so I could spend more time with Caleb. Obviously those plans aren't going to hold up the way they'd originally been intended. I guess that will be something I really work out in my alone time with myself.

Wise Words

At the end of this summer, after Caleb broke up with me, my mom gave me some wise words to think about..

I'd broken into tears because he'd told me we were over just twenty minutes before. My mom had just gotten home from grocery shopping, so I went to the kitchen to help unload the bags. I burst into tears and my mom said, "He broke up with you didn't he?" I snuffled a yes somehow.

She said, "I'm sorry. A broken heart sucks. You'll get over it."

Those were my mom's "wise words" when it came down to boy issues.

The thing is, I'm not over it yet. She doesn't realize it, but I'm learning everyday how much more I miss him. Sometimes I just hope I'll wake up and this whole beginning of this year will have been a dream. 

This year has gone nothing like I thought it would.

I came up with all of these great ideas this summer. And seriously only ONE of them has happened. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of this year.

I really hope somehow he'll take me back. I realize how he saw me as such a bad girlfriend. I see where he was coming from. I just don't know how to tell him I want a second chance.

Maybe I'll learn by the end of the year how to apply my mom's advice. 

But for now, I most certainly do not.

Rambling

This post probably won't be about anything specific, I'm more just procrastinating on homework.
Actually I did some of my homework this weekend. I just got back from Starbucks where I'd been working on it. While I was there, their sewage system got backed up so they had to close, and I had to end my study session.
Well this weekend has been quite interesting. I've learned some rather interesting things. I've decided I need fun. I'm so focused on my school work and everything right now that I've passed up some fun opportunities sadly. But now I won't be afraid to take those opportunities. I don't want to regret my senior year because I was too cowardly to have any fun!
Also, I feel like a really bad friend as of late. I've been texting my best friend's ex. Well, he's been texting me. And apparently that's getting around school. So I don't think I'm going to text him anymore because he's definitely been flirting with me. And he invited me to hang out with him. So I think I need to back off for the sake of my bestie.
It seems like I've been waiting forever for my senior year. I had all of these moments visioned on exactly how it would be. None of them have come through though. I think a lot of it is that I'm missing being in a relationship. That really was a huge part of my summer, and now I'm finding that I separated myself from my friends too much. I've noticed we don't talk as much as we used to. Part of me thinks that this is because I spent my whole summer with Caleb, and very rarely with them. I totally regret this. I guess I look back and think of how this is making me grow a lot as a person, but I'm also realizing that I need to reorganize my priorities. I can'r rely on others as much as I do, but I also can't just rely on myself. Bad things happen then.
Luckily, I've had this huge spark lit within me. Christian music has been calling my name. I borrowed my church's copy of TobyMac's new cd and I love it, I just have to put it on my iPod. I also need to find my Switchfoot cd that my mom has. I just feel so renewed and alive while listening to Christian music. Oddly enough, the thing that got me started on that was definitely LiFest with Caleb. How ironic....

A Sad Last

Tomorrow will be my last home conference game for the rest of my life.
Just that thought makes me want to go back in time and do everything over.
I'm not ready to give it all up.
I don't want to grow up.

I sure hope my friends will be there supporting me at one of our "lasts."

Quite Different..

As the end of the first marking period of my senior year is coming to an end, I've been doing some thinking.
In College Writing we're supposed to write a reflective paper. I'm having a bit of a difficulty with this. Everything in my life that's made me the person I am hasn't been the greatest of moments. I don't really want to share with my teacher or peer editors about those dark nights and what went through my mind that makes me who I am.
If anything, I think a bit of a problem with me writing this paper is that I'm beginning to eve question who I am. I don't know anymore. Everything is so incredibly different than I'd thought its be at this point in my life that I just don't know what to do anymore. Even if you asked me this past summer how I thought my first month or so of school would go my answer would be completely different.

I think Caleb and me breaking up has taken quite a toll on me. I've noticed how restless I am at night. This summer I could fall asleep instantly into this perfect dream world and then I'd wake up in the morning refreshed and still sort of in that dream. Now, I'm just going through the motions of my life. A month and about a week after our break up I'd finally had the nerve to talk to Caleb about a few things he'd said. "If we aren't dating, I don't think we'll be friends." That had bothered me for this long. And I now finally feel like he understands my thoughts on that.
The night of homecoming we texted for a bit, and the next day we did as well. The hardest part was for me to honestly answer why I thought we should be friends. Yes, I miss his companionship. But, no, I'm not looking to try again at a relationship with him. And I told him that. Once that was said, he was fine with the idea of us being friends. It's funny how just that conversation has made things between us so much less awkward this past week.
I finally feel like I have balanced the two of us legitimately just being friends. And I guess part of that still sucks. But part of it feels so right.
I guess things have worked out in a way different way than I'd ever thought..

Fix A Heart

Demi Lovato
Fix A Heart lyrics
Songwriters: RENEA, PRISCILLA / KIRIAKOU, EMANUEL

It's probably what's best for you
I only want the best for you
And if I'm not the best, then you're stuck

I try to sever ties and I,
Ended up with wounds to bind
Like you're pouring salt in my cuts
And I just ran out of band-aids
I don't even know where to start

'Cause you can't bandage the damage,
You never really can fix a heart

Even though I know what's wrong,
How can I be so sure
If you never say what you feel, feel?
I must have held your hand so tight,
You didn't have the will to fight
I guess you needed more time to heal

Baby I just ran out of band-aids
I don't even know where to start
'Cause you can't bandage the damage
You never really can fix a heart

You must be a miracle worker,
Swearin' up and down,
You can't fix what's been broken, yeah
Please don't get my hopes up, no no
Baby, tell me how could you
Be so cruel?

It's like you're pouring salt on my cuts

Baby, I just ran out of band-aids
I don't even know where to start
'Cause you can't bandage the damage
You never really can fix a heart
Baby, I just ran out of band-aids
I don't even know where to start

'Cause you can't bandage the damage
You never really can fix a heart
Oh no no no no
You never really can fix a heart
Oh no no no no
You never really can fix heart

You never really can fix my heart

Autumn 2012

Autumn has finally arrived. I must say it's one of my favorite seasons.. Actually I love all of the seasons so that's probably not quite true. These are my favorite things about autumn that I'm looking forward to this year:
Crunchy leaves
Homecoming dance
Cozy sweaters
Bonfires
Packer games
School soccer and football games(yes, I now enjoy watching soccer.. Had you asked me if I did last year I would definitely say otherwise)
Pumpkin spice lattes from Starbucks
Long walks through the brisk air
Sipping on tea while reading a book
Volleyball tournaments

A Rebel's Plan

The past few weeks I've been thinking about my future, a lot.. I've decided I can't wait to turn 18.

I've never really been the rebellious child, but I've never had much opportunity to be. So I've decided on a few things...
-For my 18th birthday I'm going to get my ears double pierced and buy a lottery ticket.
-Right before college starts I'm going to get my cartilage pierced with Bekah!
-At some point, probably around the age of 19/20 in going to get a tattoo that says "How Great Thou Art" in honor of my great grandmother.

For most people, these probably don't sound rebellious, at all... But for me they are, hmmm shows how sheltered I've been these past 17 years...

Senior Pictures

Yes, Rae, I'm stealing this idea from you.. You're just such an inspiration ;)

Here are some of my favorites, although I loved a lot of them and it was very hard to pick!

Education?

I realize that I do really have plenty of time to decide on what I'm going to major in in college... But I've been thinking.

Early Childhood Education?
I'd never really considered it, but looking back, I love little children and how inspiring they can be. And even more so, how great their love for Jesus just radiates out of them in a way that can only be found in them. Faith like a little child!

So maybe this will be the path I'll go down....

But I have time to figure that out yet..

School...

My last first day of high school is in four days. Kind of scary! But I get to kick off the school mode a few days early. Yippee?
Monday I start my Introduction to Philosophy class at College of Menominee Nation. It should be interesting.
But before that, I have senior retreat at Two Rivers. I must say I'm quite excited. Although I am a bit nervous that I may feel a little awkward because I'm not sure how weird things will be between Caleb and me. Plus the whole swimming/beach thing will bring back quite a few memories from this past summer and all the fun we had.

Anyway, back to the school thing. I was feeling nosy on RenWeb today and was seeing who all was in my class. The new hot senior transfer will be my new locker buddy! Don't worry Rae, he'll be to my left. I still have you as a locker buddy too! So yes, this new boy should be a nice way to try to get my mind off of someone else.... I also found out on RenWeb that you can see who will be in all of your classes which is pretty cool. I have a lot of classes with the same people, which should make things fun. I'm kind of afraid my schedule this year isn't challenging enough and maybe I shouldn't be taking a second study hall. But I do have my CMN class as well as Advanced Biology and College Writing which should all be rather difficult classes.
I think the scariest part of the school year approaching is that I can apply to the college I want to go to already. That scares me so much. Especially because I no longer think I want to go into Athletic Training. I have no idea what I want to do! My mom thinks I might just be feeling flustered and second guessing myself, but I don't really think so. So we'll see how this all works out in the end...

Anywho, I have to finish packing for senior retreat! Tootles 😄

Summer Fling

You always read those books and see the movies about the perfect summer with the perfect boy. But then summer ends.

Well that's what happened to me this summer. And now it's over. Both summer and my relationship.

Relapse

After a night like last night, I couldn't help it.
It just happened.

Overwhelmed

School hasn't even started yet and I'm already beginning to feel overwhelmed by it! This is just going to be one of those extremely stressful years, I can tell already. My college class starts before my "real" school starts, so that will be nice to sort of have a school mind set already before it actually starts.. Sadly though I have orientation Thursday so I have to miss the first soccer game of the season :(

Anywho, overwhelmed. I work tonight for the first time in weeks. Blah. But I need the money, so I guess that's okay. But volleyball starts tomorrow, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to get a nice lecture from my coach about missing volleyball open gyms to go on dates. That should be a great talk. Not.

Well I'm off to lunch and the movies with Caleb before work, tootle-loo. :)

I Just Said the Unthinkable

I can't believe I'm about to say this...

I'm looking forward for school to start.

I've never been one looking forward for school to begin. I've never really hated school or anything but I've naturally enjoyed summer more. But this year is different. While I've experiences the best summer of my life with everything I could have possibly asked for to happen, I'm ready for school. Here's why:

-friends: I miss seeing my friends everyday! Some people I've only seen once or twice this summer sadly and I can't wait to see them on a regular basis. Others I have seen several times and I never get tired of their companionship so it will be great to see them everyday.

-new opportunities: this year I will be challenging myself in a completely different way than I have the rest of my high school career. I am only playing volleyball this year, versus managing a three sport lifestyle. I'll also be on student council as well as national honor society, both groups which require a lot of time. That's part of the reason for me only playing volleyball. Also I'm taking a college class this fall, Intro to Philosophy. I haven't decided if I'm taking one in the winter through spring or not yet.

Sports: as I said I'll be playing volleyball this year. As it is my final season I plan on giving my all and not settling for anything but the best. It's going to be immensely difficult to only play one sport and I still haven't told my coaches so that should be interesting.

iPads: yes, iPads. Our school has gone one to one. So every student gets an iPad! I'm writing this on mine actually. I absolutely love it. I've been playing around on it for the past few weeks and have found plenty of great apps that I'll be able to waste my time with during the school year.

Well I think that's about it. I'm ready to begin my school year strong and confident! Senior year, here I come!

Faster and Faster

The end of summer is coming, quickly. I'm pretty sure these next few weeks are going to be extremely stressful and I'm not looking forward to it.
At the end of last year I remember sitting in Church History writing countless lists of what I still needed to accomplish(a task I picked up from my favorite ginger). I now find myself doing the same thing with my summer coming to a quick close.
While my vacation to California was nice, I have so much to do! With my handy new iPad and the "reminders" feature I've come up with quite the list to finish in my single week between my Chicago trip and the start of volleyball season. I know the week is going to blow by fast because I want to see friends during it as well as finish off what is necessary before the beginning of this school year. Hopefully I don't get to stressed out!

The End

The end of my California trip is coming to an end. I'm both relieved and sad.. I'm rather sick of my family so it will be quite a relief in that way. Although I wish on our trip we could have spent more time actually IN California. We definitely took too long on our way out and didn't get to spend too much time there sadly.
I'm ready to be back in Wisconsin. I miss the much more predictable weather. I miss the hot summer we've had. It was actually a lot cooler in California than it was when I left Wisconsin. How bizarre is that?! I got cold in California and wore jeans most of the time I was there!
Anywho, I'm glad I'm on my way eat. Hopefully I can have some solid friend time in my week before volleyball starts once I return from Chicago.
Oh yes, I'm on my way back to Wisconsin for a day. Then I leave for a convention in Chicago. Yippee. I'm not looking forward to it at all. Originally when this trip was planned, I was excited because I figured on my day back in GB I could hang out with friends, but now we're so crunched on time I don't think I can. Plus Caleb is out of state now, so that kind of wrecked that plan too. Oh well, once I return from Chicago, he said he has a super fun day planned out for us already! Thank goodness! As of yesterday we've been dating two months! This trip has certainly been interesting for us. Half of the time I don't have cell service and then you add on the time change and that leaves very little communication time. But we've used FaceTime twice. Once in Colorado Springs and once in Santa Barbara. But there is something about it that isn't quite the same..
Thank goodness this trip is coming to an end. I'm coming home! :)

Grand Canyon

Well last night we stayed at a lodge at theGrand Canyon! I wasn't a huge fan of the idea since we wouldn't have wifi but it was still great. The best part of the night was going to the rim of the canyon and seeing the sunset... Sadly all of those pictures, except one, are on my cell phone and aren't that great. It was so breathtaking! I would love to see it again... Maybe some day when I have a family of my own.
It was still cool to see it with my sister, and we've gotten a lot closer while on this trip. But I still find myself wishing I was back in Wisconsin. FaceTime on my iPad has saved me a bit though. Even though I've only used it once on my trip while in Colorado Springs.
Next stop of the trip: Hoover Dam!

Rocky Mountain Adventures

Today my family and I went to Rocky Mountains National Park and got to experience traveling in very high elevation. I personally am not a huge fan of heights so I didn't enjoy it too much. But it was full of some truly breathtaking sites!

Estes Park, CO

Currently in Estes Park and it is beautiful! I'm absolutely amazed by all of the wonder God has created out here!

Here I come!

I'm on my way off to California for the first time in my life. Sadly, we're driving. Today we'll make it to Lincoln, Nebraska which is 10 hours. I'll try to write updates often on where we're at!

Reminiscing

Summer is going by way too quickly!

I was looking through some old pictures and thought I should share them...

Oh the Memories!

One Crazy Freshmen Year:

Some Insane Sophomore Memories:

And of course, Finally Upperclassmen but not quite top dog Memories:

High school is going by way too fast. I can't believe this is my last year. I love looking through pictures and seeing how much everyone has changed. It is just bizarre how everyone has developed into the lovely young adults that we are today.