Quite Different..

As the end of the first marking period of my senior year is coming to an end, I've been doing some thinking.
In College Writing we're supposed to write a reflective paper. I'm having a bit of a difficulty with this. Everything in my life that's made me the person I am hasn't been the greatest of moments. I don't really want to share with my teacher or peer editors about those dark nights and what went through my mind that makes me who I am.
If anything, I think a bit of a problem with me writing this paper is that I'm beginning to eve question who I am. I don't know anymore. Everything is so incredibly different than I'd thought its be at this point in my life that I just don't know what to do anymore. Even if you asked me this past summer how I thought my first month or so of school would go my answer would be completely different.

I think Caleb and me breaking up has taken quite a toll on me. I've noticed how restless I am at night. This summer I could fall asleep instantly into this perfect dream world and then I'd wake up in the morning refreshed and still sort of in that dream. Now, I'm just going through the motions of my life. A month and about a week after our break up I'd finally had the nerve to talk to Caleb about a few things he'd said. "If we aren't dating, I don't think we'll be friends." That had bothered me for this long. And I now finally feel like he understands my thoughts on that.
The night of homecoming we texted for a bit, and the next day we did as well. The hardest part was for me to honestly answer why I thought we should be friends. Yes, I miss his companionship. But, no, I'm not looking to try again at a relationship with him. And I told him that. Once that was said, he was fine with the idea of us being friends. It's funny how just that conversation has made things between us so much less awkward this past week.
I finally feel like I have balanced the two of us legitimately just being friends. And I guess part of that still sucks. But part of it feels so right.
I guess things have worked out in a way different way than I'd ever thought..

Fix A Heart

Demi Lovato
Fix A Heart lyrics
Songwriters: RENEA, PRISCILLA / KIRIAKOU, EMANUEL

It's probably what's best for you
I only want the best for you
And if I'm not the best, then you're stuck

I try to sever ties and I,
Ended up with wounds to bind
Like you're pouring salt in my cuts
And I just ran out of band-aids
I don't even know where to start

'Cause you can't bandage the damage,
You never really can fix a heart

Even though I know what's wrong,
How can I be so sure
If you never say what you feel, feel?
I must have held your hand so tight,
You didn't have the will to fight
I guess you needed more time to heal

Baby I just ran out of band-aids
I don't even know where to start
'Cause you can't bandage the damage
You never really can fix a heart

You must be a miracle worker,
Swearin' up and down,
You can't fix what's been broken, yeah
Please don't get my hopes up, no no
Baby, tell me how could you
Be so cruel?

It's like you're pouring salt on my cuts

Baby, I just ran out of band-aids
I don't even know where to start
'Cause you can't bandage the damage
You never really can fix a heart
Baby, I just ran out of band-aids
I don't even know where to start

'Cause you can't bandage the damage
You never really can fix a heart
Oh no no no no
You never really can fix a heart
Oh no no no no
You never really can fix heart

You never really can fix my heart

Autumn 2012

Autumn has finally arrived. I must say it's one of my favorite seasons.. Actually I love all of the seasons so that's probably not quite true. These are my favorite things about autumn that I'm looking forward to this year:
Crunchy leaves
Homecoming dance
Cozy sweaters
Bonfires
Packer games
School soccer and football games(yes, I now enjoy watching soccer.. Had you asked me if I did last year I would definitely say otherwise)
Pumpkin spice lattes from Starbucks
Long walks through the brisk air
Sipping on tea while reading a book
Volleyball tournaments