I miss writing for fun.
Just letting the juices flow
and having words spill out of the pen.
Not knowing where they'll go.
Time to get back to that.
1/23/2013
1/15/2013
Five
Five months ago you broke up with me. It seems like it's been longer than that. I hardly talk to anyone anymore, the people I used to consider my closest friends hardly invite me over anymore.
Yes, I was the stupid idiotic girl that invested a full summer into you. I sacrificed time I could have had with some amazing friends for you. And you threw it away. Almost too easily.
Things are finally getting to the point where I can look at you, smile, think of the memories, and not feel ashamed for putting time into us. Don't get me wrong, I wish things would've ended differently. But part of me knew it'd happen. That doesn't mean I like it. In fact I hate that it happened. But I loved every single moment that led up to it.
Since that terrible night, we still talk thankfully. But it's not the same. Should it be? We're not in the same positions we were in before, whether I have control of that or not. I'm glad that even though most of the time I initiate conversation, you still respond. You still keep the conversation going. You still ask me questions to get to know me better. But somehow, I hate that we still have that. It's not a clean break. I'm still left wanting more. More of what I still can't have.
Yes, I was the stupid idiotic girl that invested a full summer into you. I sacrificed time I could have had with some amazing friends for you. And you threw it away. Almost too easily.
Things are finally getting to the point where I can look at you, smile, think of the memories, and not feel ashamed for putting time into us. Don't get me wrong, I wish things would've ended differently. But part of me knew it'd happen. That doesn't mean I like it. In fact I hate that it happened. But I loved every single moment that led up to it.
Since that terrible night, we still talk thankfully. But it's not the same. Should it be? We're not in the same positions we were in before, whether I have control of that or not. I'm glad that even though most of the time I initiate conversation, you still respond. You still keep the conversation going. You still ask me questions to get to know me better. But somehow, I hate that we still have that. It's not a clean break. I'm still left wanting more. More of what I still can't have.
Alone in the Park
I'm sitting here alone, my original intentions of coming here was to make peace with what I used to consider ours. I figured this would be a good time to read my book and listen to some Taylor Swift.
I got as far as the music. I picked up my book and opened it. But I couldn't read, I could only look up and out at the lonely park.
The bare trees stand there in bunches, pairs. Most of them are in couples.
The first time I came to this park I was with someone. The time after that I came with a few others. No matter what, this has been the place for socialization and interaction. There has never been a sense of solitude here. But now there is.
The park no longer has that adorable little baby we saw sitting in the stroller while we sat in the swings talking about kids. Those little kids that wanted to join in in our scavenger hunt are no longer racing to the top of the slide. There lives continue on. Most of them probably don't think about that one day we were at this park. But every time I pass here on my way to or from school it all comes back. Laying in the grass, you in the shade because you were warm, me in the sun because I wanted to get a better tan. Getting up quicker than we thought possible when we were swarmed with wasps and sprinted to your car. Those memories are still with me.
But that doesn't mean I have to stop here. My car may be parked in this parking lot, seven spaces away from an old lady sitting in her car reading. Like I was going to.
Part of me knew that coming here would bring it all back, but part of me also knew I needed to come. I needed to say good bye to those memories and leave them here.
Last night I changed sheets for the first time since we broke up. It took me five months to do it. Now that I think about it, that is absolutely disgusting. But I knew as soon as those sheets went through the wash I'd never get back those tears I'd cried over you. They're gone forever now, I can't get them back.
I'm truly alone in this park now. No turning back to the good times we shared. It's time I stood up for myself, alone.
I got as far as the music. I picked up my book and opened it. But I couldn't read, I could only look up and out at the lonely park.
The bare trees stand there in bunches, pairs. Most of them are in couples.
The first time I came to this park I was with someone. The time after that I came with a few others. No matter what, this has been the place for socialization and interaction. There has never been a sense of solitude here. But now there is.
The park no longer has that adorable little baby we saw sitting in the stroller while we sat in the swings talking about kids. Those little kids that wanted to join in in our scavenger hunt are no longer racing to the top of the slide. There lives continue on. Most of them probably don't think about that one day we were at this park. But every time I pass here on my way to or from school it all comes back. Laying in the grass, you in the shade because you were warm, me in the sun because I wanted to get a better tan. Getting up quicker than we thought possible when we were swarmed with wasps and sprinted to your car. Those memories are still with me.
But that doesn't mean I have to stop here. My car may be parked in this parking lot, seven spaces away from an old lady sitting in her car reading. Like I was going to.
Part of me knew that coming here would bring it all back, but part of me also knew I needed to come. I needed to say good bye to those memories and leave them here.
Last night I changed sheets for the first time since we broke up. It took me five months to do it. Now that I think about it, that is absolutely disgusting. But I knew as soon as those sheets went through the wash I'd never get back those tears I'd cried over you. They're gone forever now, I can't get them back.
I'm truly alone in this park now. No turning back to the good times we shared. It's time I stood up for myself, alone.
1/03/2013
A Day Off
Today was sort of a day off from my normal schedule.
We had basketball practice this morning from 6-7:30. Too early in my opinion.
But, since I didn't have practice after school I got to go home for once!
In my time home I've finished my Ministry Practicum, my article for Advanced Biology, practiced my not very good guitar skills, and started a book!
I feel so productive!
I can just about play Treacherous by Taylor Swift on the guitar! I'm so proud of myself!
We had basketball practice this morning from 6-7:30. Too early in my opinion.
But, since I didn't have practice after school I got to go home for once!
In my time home I've finished my Ministry Practicum, my article for Advanced Biology, practiced my not very good guitar skills, and started a book!
I feel so productive!
I can just about play Treacherous by Taylor Swift on the guitar! I'm so proud of myself!
1/02/2013
I Don't...
I don't want to believe the end is coming.
The end of seeing the same people I've been with for these past four years. The people I might as well have considered my family. People I might as well have lived with.
I know them too well for it to end.
I don't want to grow up.
I spent all of grade school wishing away my life. And now, in the blink of an eye, my childhood is over. I will face a new reality soon. My life is about to start over in some ways.
I don't want to see friendships end.
I've become too close with so many people that I can't imagine being even an hour away from some of them. I don't want to get close with new people, they won't be the same.
I don't want change to happen.
I don't like change. I never will.
The end of seeing the same people I've been with for these past four years. The people I might as well have considered my family. People I might as well have lived with.
I know them too well for it to end.
I don't want to grow up.
I spent all of grade school wishing away my life. And now, in the blink of an eye, my childhood is over. I will face a new reality soon. My life is about to start over in some ways.
I don't want to see friendships end.
I've become too close with so many people that I can't imagine being even an hour away from some of them. I don't want to get close with new people, they won't be the same.
I don't want change to happen.
I don't like change. I never will.
1/01/2013
2012 Recap
As I was laying in bed last night I thought of how terrific 2012 was for me. Somehow all the terrible moments just floated away and I only saw the good times flash through my mind.
2012 was the year I'd always dreamt of when I was young and thought of how high school would be...
Here's a month breakdown of the good times.
January:
-I don't really remember anything about last January actually.
February:
-I turned 17.
March:
-We won regionals in basketball.
-I bought my prom dress.
April:
-I was asked to prom.
-I had an amazing time at prom.
May:
-I made student council.
-My Junior year ended.
-Caleb and I started dating.
June:
-I spent a lot of time with Bekah.
-I was dating Caleb.
July:
-I was dating Caleb.
-I went to LiFest for the first time.
-I went to California.
August:
-I returned from California.
-I went to Chicago.
-I dated Caleb, for a little longer anyway.
-My final season of volleyball began.
-I started my first college class at CMN.
-I had senior retreat.
-My Senior year began.
September:
-I went spelunking for Advanced Biology.
-I was Homecoming Queen.
October:
-I was accepted to CUW.
-Bekah, Rae, Shannon, Sarah, and I went trick-or-treating.
November:
-I decided to play basketball.
-My sister was confirmed.
December:
-Stage One cantata started.
-I went to the Garden of Lights with Bekah.
-Christmas break started early with a snow day.
-I got to see Lucy and Owen for four days.
-I ended the year with Bekah.
Well that was 2012, a pretty fantastic year... I'll certainly miss parts of it. But other parts I'm glad are gone.
Here are my favorite pictures from 2012:
2012 was the year I'd always dreamt of when I was young and thought of how high school would be...
Here's a month breakdown of the good times.
January:
-I don't really remember anything about last January actually.
February:
-I turned 17.
March:
-We won regionals in basketball.
-I bought my prom dress.
April:
-I was asked to prom.
-I had an amazing time at prom.
May:
-I made student council.
-My Junior year ended.
-Caleb and I started dating.
June:
-I spent a lot of time with Bekah.
-I was dating Caleb.
July:
-I was dating Caleb.
-I went to LiFest for the first time.
-I went to California.
August:
-I returned from California.
-I went to Chicago.
-I dated Caleb, for a little longer anyway.
-My final season of volleyball began.
-I started my first college class at CMN.
-I had senior retreat.
-My Senior year began.
September:
-I went spelunking for Advanced Biology.
-I was Homecoming Queen.
October:
-I was accepted to CUW.
-Bekah, Rae, Shannon, Sarah, and I went trick-or-treating.
November:
-I decided to play basketball.
-My sister was confirmed.
December:
-Stage One cantata started.
-I went to the Garden of Lights with Bekah.
-Christmas break started early with a snow day.
-I got to see Lucy and Owen for four days.
-I ended the year with Bekah.
Well that was 2012, a pretty fantastic year... I'll certainly miss parts of it. But other parts I'm glad are gone.
Here are my favorite pictures from 2012:
Resolutions
I'm not one who normally has New Year's resolutions, but I thought I'd give it another shot.
They aren't much, and they're rather vague actually but I think they'll be good for me to work on.
-be happy
-don't over think
-feel beautiful
-dress for myself, not others
-stop procrastinating
-work hard in everything
-pray more
They aren't much, and they're rather vague actually but I think they'll be good for me to work on.
-be happy
-don't over think
-feel beautiful
-dress for myself, not others
-stop procrastinating
-work hard in everything
-pray more
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