Break

Well, so far this break has gone no where near expected.

I feel like I have no friends. 

I haven't seen anyone.

Ugh. Glad high school turned out to be worse after I finished it than I thought it would be.

Back to my good ole friend, Netflix.

Christmas Music

Well today we had our first official snow stick to the ground. We got a solid 2+ inches!

You know what that means....I'm breaking out the Christmas music! I've been in such a good mood today, I think that may be part of it. The other part is probably that I get to go home tomorrow around 11 o'clock. I'm so excited to be back in Green Bay!

Back to the Christmas music... Last year my dad sent me the Michael Buble CD on iTunes, this year he sent me the Elf Soundtrack! I think it's awesome that he does that, especially because this year it was completely unexpected! I've been listening to both of those, and Holiday Hits via iTunes Radio ALL DAY!

Thank God for the snow!

The Unknown

Tonight I finally put it all together. If I could sum up what I am most afraid of in life, it is the unknown. If I don't know how to do something, it scares the hell out of me. If I don't know what will happen next, scares the hell out of me.

Maybe that's why this time of my life is so confusing for so many people..College..

So many things go through your head...Is this the right major? Do I want to be in this job for the rest of my life? Who will I marry? Will I ever get married? Where will I move after I graduate? Will I find a job after I graduate? The list goes on and on...

After a long talk tonight with Trevor, I'm beginning to calm down a bit about the freaky factor of the unknown. At least he is able to make me feel slightly more comfortable with the idea of it.. 

Part of me still wonders what's next, though.

Another Weekend Home

I got to spend another weekend at home..and it was better than I could have possibly imagined! I spent most of my time with Trevor thankfully. It had been over a month since we had last been together. I'm beginning to realize how hard a long distance relationship really is.

I just can't wait until Thanksgiving. That's the next time I get to go home and see him again.

Motivation

I don't think I have ever been less motivated in my entire life.

I guess the only real goals I have set out in front of me at the moment are so distant that it is difficult getting all of the little, less significant things finished. I mean, I'm struggling to get out of bed to read children's books, which normally I love!

And yes, I am spending my night of Halloween, in my room, alone, doing homework..cuz I'm just that cool.

Winter Break

Yes, I'm already writing a post about how much I want it to be winter break! 

No winterim for me this year..

I figure this winter break I can just kick back at home and relax, right?! WRONG!

I need to get my experience hours done!

As I'm working on my portfolio, I am finding it rather difficult to come up with artifacts without any clinical evaluations to include..maybe I should have helped with Financial Park..

Well, hopefully the teachers I contacted get back to me relatively quickly! 

Also, I can't wait to be in Green Bay for over a month! I'm so excited to see Anchorman 2 over break, it comes out December 20th! Date night! Woot Woot! Also, I'm looking forward to going to the Walk of Lights at the GBBG. It's always so gorgeous! I also hope to go ice skating this winter, and maybe sledding!

Momma's Classroom

I've never had a very close relationship with my mother. 

Today, I sort of regret that.

I'm sitting in her third and fourth grade classroom and it makes me realize she's a lot better teacher than I ever realized. Maybe it's because she has always liked third grade the most. I only had her as a fifth and sixth grade teacher or as a seventh and eighth grade science teacher.

Sitting in here also makes me excited to have a classroom of my own.

Midterms

In most of my classes I don't really have midterms! However, there are tests that conveniently line up with midterms. So, I still classify them as that.

My only "real" midterm was Thursday in Math 119. Talk about easy.

My test in History today was absolutely awful. Oh, and it was only the essay portion. The rest is online and I have to take before fall break.

Ugh. I'm sick of college already.

Miley

Last week I watched Miley Cyrus' documentary "Miley: The Movement."

I think I have a slight woman crush on her.

Weird, I know.

Everyone says she's a skank and a slut. Especially since the VMAs and her WreckingBall video. But I really admire her. Those things took guts. They took passion for music to overlook what everyone is going to think about you. I wish I was that confident.

I'm not going to lie, I do miss the old Miley. The Miley with beautiful long brown hair, the Hannah Montana Miley.

But I like the new Miley too. I mean, not many people can pull off that hair, and I think she does!

The thing I like most about new Miley is she seems more human. She knows people are going to give her shit about her music and how she dresses, but she forgets all of that. 

She follows her dreams. I wish I could do the same thing. But just like her, my dream at the moment is looked down on too. I'm just not as confident.

Cut Through the American Noise

American Noise by Skillet just came on my iTunes while I was studying.

With all the things I've struggled with just this past week, it really hit home. I'm so glad I bought Skillet's new cd after seeing them at Lifest. It is probably one of the most motivating and home-hitting cds I've heard.

Here's the refrain from American Noise.

Times will be bad times will be good 

Things I wish I hadn't done and some I wish I would 

Cutting through the American noise

You’ve got a voice and a song to sing (and a song to sing) 

Drink deep in the morning 

Drink deep in the morning 

See what the day will bring 

I guess the part that hits me the most is that no matter how bad our past is, or how much we regret what we have done we can always look forward. 
We can start the next day over. That's what's keeping me going, because not much else is at this point.

Loss for Words

I have never been so stressed about being at a loss for words. I hate that this is creating separation and making me confused about everything. I just hope I don't need to take a step back before we can take a step forward.

Ugh.

Western Civilizations

So yesterday I wrote briefly about my profs, so now I'm going to complain about one of my least favorite classes.

History 103. Western Civilizations.

I have spent over 100 print credits for this class, printing off papers I am required to read. 

I failed the first test, but did fine on the essay portion.

The teacher knows I'm trying hard, but I have such a hard time with history. I honestly would probably remotely enjoy the class if it were any other subject area. 

I've never enjoyed history. That's why in high school I took America at War and did none of the homework! But I still got an A in the class, good thing Mac got lazy and just gave me that grade, because I certainly didn't even do half of the homework..

Anywho, I have to figure out a way to get history pounded into my head for the sake of not failing college.

Ugh, back to studying....

Profs

Since the semester is quite far along, I thought I'd write a little bit about each of my profs.

Steely-HIST 103
I hate this man. He's from Alabama or some southern state like that. He's fat and obnoxious. I realized yesterday in class why I hate him. He reminds me of Erich Johnson. This guy is exactly how Erich will be when he's 45+ and still single.

Knorr-ED 102
Knorr=hilarious. There is not a guy that makes me more motivated and excited to become a teacher! Yesterday before my group presentation he told us we all looked good. I was going for that sexy kindergarten teacher look ;) Anywho, after our presentation he shared two random things with the class.     1) He had been sitting in his office that morning with his classes on searching frantically throughout the room, for his glasses. Okay, that sounded a lot funnier when he explained it.
2) He talked about two fashion styles. When he first started teaching at CUW, this was the style....

And yes, he did in fact talk about Britney Spears. He continued to say, "Well I mean I'm a guy, so a lot of the time I didn't mind...but I'm also a dad!" Talk about awkward. Then he talked about how he approves of today's styles more. He LOVES scarves.







Doebele-MUS 182
I haven't really come up with an opinion on Dr. Doebele yet. She's my choir teacher, and acts like a typical musician. She slightly reminds me of Mrs. Fosheim, but she isn't as ditsy or involved in any of the students' drama.

Jastram-REL 201
Imagine a much more boring version of Stock's lecture, but with powerpoint. That is my Old Testament class. I honestly hate it the most out of all of my classes. He's extremely monotone and spends most of the time bragging about how he worked with the Dead Sea Scrolls and has visited Israel.

Paape-MATH 119
I have Paape part time in ED 102 as well, for developing my portfolio, but not even every week. He's a great math teacher and has adorable children. Also apparently my mom is good friends with his mom.

Keiper-ED 231
Keiper was here and teaching Children's Lit when my mom went to school here. He's probably one of my favorite teachers. Granted, I already loved to read, he just makes me want to help motivate children to develop that same love of books. A lot of people hate the works he assigns, because it's quite tedious. But I love that I have to do 50 book reports!

Uden-ED 100
She's so energetic! Her love of teaching just oozes out of her! Last night while helping Bekah's ED 102 group film, the guys all were discussing how they think she's a bitch. I disagree completely! I've talked with her outside of class and found that she's extremely helpful and good at explaining things when it comes to upper division questions.

Two Months

I told myself I'd never commemorate another blog post to a boy again so if anything bad would happen I wouldn't have to delete a post...but I'm breaking the rules.

This relationship is probably the craziest thing that could have happened to me, especially when it did.

I'm not going to go into all of the details, but he could not have come at a better time. 

I've been so blessed to have Trevor in my life, even for the short time we have spent together.

And even better, my friends approve. :)

I can't wait to see what God has in store for us together.

Volleyball

Last night I went to CUW's volleyball game against Lakeland. 

Talk about intense.

They lost by 2 in the fifth game. :(

NEW came to cheer on the Falcons. So I got to see Abby again! I'm so grateful I got to see my best friend and my sister again! Even though it's only been since this weekend.

I already can't wait to go back home to Green Bay on October 18th!

Although I get to see Katherine again on Friday and Saturday for Family Weekend! 

Sanity and Schedules

So since I know this coming weekend I need to have a big talk with my mom, which I’m incredibly nervous for, I’m going to try to force myself to blog more often so I don’t LOSE my mind!

Anywho,

Yesterday, I set up my schedule for next semester. It’s going to suck. Here’s a look…

Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday
Religion 203: New Testament(7:30-8:20)	ED 103: Human Relations (8:05-9:20)	Religion 203: New Testament (7:30-8:20)	ED 103: Human Relations (8:05-9:20)	Religion 203: New Testament (7:30-8:20)
Math 120 (10:05-10:55)	Communications 105: Public Speaking (11:35-12:50)	Math 120 (10:05-10:55)	Communications 105: Public Speaking (11:35-12:50)	Math 120(10:05-10:55)
Music 182: Chorale(12:05-12:40)		Music 182: Chorale (12:05-12:40)		Music 182: Chorale (12:05-12:40)
HHP 100 (1:10-2)    1/27-3/14		HHP 100 (1:10-2)    1/27-3/14
Psychology 221       (3:30-6:15)

Homecoming: 2013

This year was a new experience for homecoming.

It was the first actual homecoming where I had to come home. How strange to be an alum coming back!

Katherine kept on the tradition of the PINK dress! I wore it in 2011. Abby in 2012. And now it has been worn in 2013. Who will wear it next?!

Home

After another weekend at "home," I sit at my desk at CUW and realize how badly I want to go back. But I don't know if I really want to go back to Green Bay, I just want to go back to the friendships I had there. I want to go back to the people. In fact I could actually careless about my house, or even some of my family.
This weekend brought back so many memories.
But I also created new ones.
I'm absolutely exhausted from this weekend.
Friday night I didn't get home until past 2 am and Saturday night I didn't get home until 12:30 am. I'm wiped.
But looking back over this weekend, I wouldn't change a single thing, although some stuff turned out differently as planned. Actually, I take that back. I wish I hadn't been sick.

I'm beginning to realize that home isn't really a place. It's people.
Home is where you are most comfortable. It's the person's arms you want to be held by. The people you want to be with. The people who make you laugh. The people you have made irreplaceable memories with.

I'm having a hard time here realizing that I can't go home as easily as I thought I would be able to. Home is a lot harder to get to now.

I just want to be back home.

D+

Well, I've officially failed my first History test of the year! Woohoo!
I hate History.
I got a 53% on my online test.
Gotta love starting the year off with a solid F!
Luckily I got a B on my essay exam, so my overall grade for the class is a beautiful D+.

I think I'm going to drop out.

Laundry

I officially hate doing laundry. It would probably be a different story if my laundry room was on the same floor as my room. But really, two floors down. I hate walking down stairs! Especially with laundry in tow!

Well, I better go switch mine over, hopefully there is a dryer that's available. Otherwise I'm going to be pissed.

First Night Back

Tonight is my first night back in Green Bay since moving to CUW. It's crazy how different it seems, and it's not even been a month yet. 

My mom is teaching, my dad is teaching, our backyard is leveled, we have a new sidewalk in back, my room is somewhat clean...

But more importantly, I feel different when I'm here now. It doesn't quite feel like home anymore honestly. But I don't know where it does feel like home. I feel a lot older coming home from college. 

I felt old sitting at NEW's volleyball games and not playing in them. 

I don't know how I feel about getting old.

I think I'm just really unsure about everything right now.

Lightning in a Bottle

New Favorite Band: The Summer Set

I love "finding" new bands.. There is something exhilirating about jamming out to a new song as it gets stuck in your head.

Trevor burned me a CD like two weeks ago with four songs on it by The Summer Set.
The CD he gave to me on Thursday has their whole new CD on it.. I'm in heaven!
     My faves: Maybe Tonight, Boomerang, Lightning in a Bottle, and Legendary.

See You Dubb

I'm officially here, completely moved in, and finally feeling a little comfortable. I wasn't sure how long that would take to be honest.
Dorm room:

• Bed: lofted, to the left of door, against wall and a window
• Desk: under bed
• Dresser: under bed
• Wardrobe: right by the door
• Fridge/Microwave: by desk

I've yet to Skype or FaceTime anyone..I'm not sure why. I think that'll make me miss everyone even more than I already do. I didn't think it would be quite this hard.

Today I went on a service even, mainly to get a free shirt. We loaded the bus and left campus. I'd signed up on a list that had said Fabric & Quilt. I assumed it would be inside like organizing a little quilt shop. I was quite wrong. We were brought to the Wisconsin Museum of Quilting and Fiber Arts..to do yard work. It sucked. I'm pretty sure I got a slight farmer's tan from being in the sun. But I got talking with a few new girls, besides Bekah. I even met a few that will be in the same western civilizations class as me! On my way back to my dorm, I took the tunnels. I was a little afraid I'd get lost, but I didn't! On my way up the stairs to Augsburg(my res hall) a football player came up to me and asked if I thought his haircut was scary. I said No, it's quite nice looking actually. He laughed and said Yeah, initiation was fun. He had had facial hair and a decent head of hair at one point,  now he has half of that, literally! He was a very nice guy and the only guy that's talked with me first besides Adam(go figure).

Night one of college life wasn't too bad. Hopefully tonight goes well too!

Laptop

I finally got my graduation present from my parents...a laptop! I absolutely LOVE it. I got an Acer Aspire V5. Part of me wishes I had gotten a laptop sooner, but the other part is quite thankful I didn't. For the past week, if I wasn't out with Trevor, I was sitting in my bedroom on my laptop. My socialization with my family is quite minimal, if not nonexistent at the moment.

I'm currently listening to a mixed cd. I love mixed cds. I used to get them from a friend of mine in like seventh and eighth grade. This cd is comprised of pop-punk music, Trevor's favorites.. He gave it to me as I left his church's parking lot this morning..So far I'm enjoying it quite a bit. It has music by The Dangerous Summer, The Summer Set, Lights Out Dancing, All Time Low, and a few others.

CUW

Less than two weeks from now, I will be moved in. 

Less than two weeks, I will be living with a stranger. 

Less than two weeks, I will have to Skype my boyfriend to see him. 

Less than two weeks, I'll have to deal with unwanted change. 

I'm finally so comfortable where I am at. 

I don't feel ready to venture out in the world. 

I don't feel ready to be independent. 

I don't feel ready to have to resist all of the world's temptations. 

But of all places that I can envision myself flourishing despite the hard times, it is at Concordia. 

I hope it feels like home quicker than it took to make Green Bay my home.

God Is Able

I don't often find myself losing myself in worship..

Some blame hymns, my crumbling faith, my distractions, whatever you wish. I'm not going to blame any of those however. 

Last night I went to a Hillsong Live concert with Trevor at the WI State Fair. I've not had a faith experience like that since probably the National Youth Gathering in 2010, which makes me sort of wish I had gone to this last one. I can't really do anything about that now though.

Back to the point. Hillsong Live concert.

I was afraid I wouldn't really know many of the songs, to my surprise I knew a good chunk of them. The ones I didn't know were catchy enough, luckily. I quickly found myself getting lost in prayer while singing. It was truly one of those moments that you can feel God's presence surround you completely and you want to change.

All I could think about while standing there was how much I've changed and fallen away from God this past year. So many dark nights that shouldn't have happened. So many times I wish I could go back to and talk myself out of those dumb, old habits.

The difference with standing there, thinking about those things, while singing praises was that I didn't feel ashamed. Usually when I find myself thinking of those times, I just begin to hate myself more. 

But last night was different. 

I can honestly say that I have no idea why such a moment occurred last night, but I feel completely refreshed because of it. 

Thank God.

Here's one of the songs that really spoke to me last night..

God Is Able(Live)- Hillsong Live

Goodbyes

I hate goodbyes. And I know this summer there will be one especially hard one. I guess it's sort of my own doing, getting into the situation though.

I feel like there are so many people I'm not going to be able to say goodbye to. I'll probably be on Facebook one day and see them post from their dorm room and realize that I'm not going to see them for quite some time. I hate the idea of that. I really need to work on dealing with change better I guess.

Augsburg

My roommate is a blonde, Catholic, country girl...
This year will be interesting.
Here's the link for the probable lay out of my dorm room(the two person room obviously)
https://www.cuw.edu/Departments/residencelife/assets/rooms/Augsburg.pdf

Looking Back

As summer is beginning to drift away, I'm starting to a lot more thinking about how high school went. The wins and losses of everything.
How many of my friendships were actual friendships versus just being acquaintances? The answer I came up with for that question was quite saddening.
So who were my friends that I would say left high school with me?

Abby

Out of all of my friendships I have developed over my life, I can say this was honestly the least expected one. I love this girl to death, and hope college doesn't interfere with our friendship. I've told you everything about myself, and somehow you still choose to beat me up. But that's you. We talk about everything: crazy and disgusting dreams, what our dream men consist of(or more importantly don't consist of), and how much we hate people(that's my favorite topic). I'm going to miss our reoccurring awkward moments and our fantastic cuddling sessions.

Sydney

I've just realized I have too many friends in Appleton. Gas is too expensive for that.. Anywho, this friendship has been one of trust, motivation, and realization. Trust. I know I can tell you anything, literally anything, and you'll be there to back me up. Motivation. There is only one word to link that to our friendship, basketball. I'm so glad I got to spend four fantastic years of basketball with you. Realization. There's probably a better word than that to explain this, but I couldn't think of it. But through our friendship I've realized how to "properly" give advice, how to be sure of what I want to happen before anything leaves my mouth, and how to become a better friend to those that truly have a spot in my heart. I'm going to miss being able to stop by whenever I'm in Appleton and go out for Starbucks or see a movie or just hang out.

Rae

Ahh, yes, Rae. So much to write. While our friendship is an odd one, it must be included. I'm not sure how to phrase any of this honestly. You've been the person I could go to for advice and have deep talks with, although this didn't happen until all that recently. If I had to choose one "fun friend" that would certainly be you! I will never forget Desperate Housewives, your graduation party, or Lifest. Also, we were locker buddies all through high school. Just think of that quality bonding of using Erich's locker as a garbage can! An important moment for the two of us, was obviously Salad Bar. Pizza Ranch probably has never cleaned out it's salad bar as well as we did. We were so good at chiseling the ice from that thing, we ought to have gotten an award! I'm going to miss hearing your random ramblings between classes and hearing your ridiculous stories, but don't worry, I'll be visiting you in Winona!

There are so many people I feel have impacted my life, most of them I wish I would have gotten to know a lot, lot better. I have so many people that I hold high on my scale of friendship(if it must be called anything) but that I'm not sure how things have changed between us.

Looking back I can tell that my priorities were out of line. I didn't take time for fun. The end of my junior year, I remember driving home late one night and thinking about how I wanted more nights where I was out and about, breathing in the adrenaline-filled air. I almost wish I could relive my senior year and rid the people that kept me from that.

Freaking Out

Move in day is getting closer and closer...
I feel like I have no idea what I need for my dorm..
However, I found this site and it is amazing! It has lists and so many great priced products. I've ordered a few items off of there already and will certainly get more as move in day gets closer!

http://www.dormco.com/?Click=93361

Behind These Hazel Eyes

I love Kelly Clarkson. I always have.. Recently I've been listening to "Behind These Hazel Eyes" a lot. I think this song Ian the only reason I wouldn't mind having hazel eyes(I love my blue eyes..)
Anyhow, I listen to the song on repeat on my way to work. And today I realized why.. It matches how I feel about.. Well a lot of things. I'd rather ignore the present when given the opportunity and dwell in the past. The song makes me feel like maybe that can be okay to do, but only on occasion..not constantly. Actually that doesn't really fit with the lyrics at all, but that's what I think of when I hear the song...
Time to replay it...

Missed This

Me: Just finished within pitch perfect & now Im gonna start magic mike
Andrew: Solid movie! And the other one is probably as well, i mean channing tatum as a stripper? Win ;) haha

I've missed this.

Coming Soon

I can't believe that two months from tomorrow is my move in day..

I'm so excited, scared, nervous... It's so insane. We're growing up.

I've been looking at a lot of lists lately about things people often forget when they go to college. I'm so afraid I'm going to forget the necessities..

College is so close..

Time to live it up this summer. Forget the past, move on, live without thinking about tomorrow.

Week One

My first week of babysitting Jeffery and Jacob is over! The twins are absolutely fantastic. They are full of energy, which is to be expected of six year old boys. We went to parks, played with chalk, went to the library, and had ice cream cones. 

These two balls of sunshine have really made me excited to start college. I can't wait to become a teacher! Kids just fill me up with so much joy, and I forget all of my problems.

After having been with them 36 hours already, I already feel quite maternal towards them. Making lunches and making sure the tv goes off when it needs to doesn't feel weird at all. It comes so naturally.

I can't wait until Monday!

Classic

Mom(after i walk out of bathroom from puking): feeling any better?
Me: yeah, but this the fourth time I've puked.
Mom: well that'll help you lose some weight!

Wow. Maybe it's not a bad thing she knows I'm hungover..

I Thank You For Your Awesomeness.

Dear Elisebeth,

Thank you for coming to my party and for your gift. I greatly appreciate you helping me celebrate graduation and for our friendship over the past year. I will always be there if you need someone to talk to. Never forget you are special to God even if you aren't to the world. (Remember what matters)

-_____ ____

I've never cried so hard.

The Moment I Knew

I'm not sure why but this song sums up exactly how I've been feeling lately.

I think it's because I imagined high school would be so different than it was. Especially senior year. So graduation became the moment I knew that life is not going to be how I always dreamed it would be when I was a little girl.

The Moment I Knew by Taylor Swift

You shouldve been there,

Should've burst through the door,

With that 'baby I'm right here' smile,

And it would've felt like,

A million little shining stars had just aligned,

And I would've been so happy.

Christmas lights glisten,

I've got my eye on the door,

Just waiting for you to walk in,

But the time is ticking,

People ask me how I've been

As I comb back through my memory,

How you said you'd be here,

You said you'd be here.

And it was like slow motion,

Standing there in my party dress,

In red lipstick,

With no one to impress,

And they're all laughing,

As I'm looking around the room,

But there's one thing missing,

And that was the moment I knew.

And the hours pass by,

Now I just wanna be alone,

But your close friends always seem to know

When there's something really wrong,

So they follow me down the hall,

And there in the bathroom,

I try not to fall apart,

And the sinking feeling starts,

As I say hopelessly,

"He said he'd be here."

And it was like slow motion,

Standing there in my party dress,

In red lipstick,

With no one to impress,

And they're all laughing,

And asking me about you,

But there was one thing missing,

And that was the moment I knew.

What do you say

When tears are streaming down your face

In front of everyone you know?

And what do you do when the one

Who means the most to you

Is the one who didn't show?

You should've been here.

And I would've been so happy.

And it was like slow motion,

Standing there in my party dress,

In red lipstick,

With no one to impress,

And they're all standing around me singing

"Happy birthday to you",

But there was one thing missing,

And that was the moment I knew.

Ooh, I knew.

Ooh,

You called me later,

And said, "I'm sorry, I didn't make it,"

And I said, "I'm sorry too,"

And that was the moment I knew.

Ready

Okay, I'm already ready for a girls' night where I can let loose and forget about all of the dicks in my life. Seriously.

Mise en Scene

While I did not think I would write a post about an assignment within my last week of being a high schooler, here it is..

I'm currently working on an assignment for my college writing class. The topic: scene analysis. In film terms, mise en scene. 

The idea behind mise en scene is that everything in the frame of a shot has a purpose for being there and helps develop a better, and more in depth story. While the examples used in class(Little Miss Sunshine, Big Fish, Catching Hell, and Friday Night Lights) were not always the most exciting or I would miss a lot of it. I thought I would probably struggle a lot with this project because of the in class work we had done.

So starting off, I had to find a film. Not just a movie, a film. Finding a film worthy of my teacher's appreciation and to his knowledge that would actually work for the project was harder than I thought. I settled with Les Miserables. While my teacher has not seen it yet, I saw it mentioned on several sites, so I figured it would be worth the risk. 

As of right now, with about another page to write on the topic, I have watched one 7 minute scene 11 times. It still amazes me all of the little things you don't pick up on if you aren't watching very in depth.

I'm actually enjoying this project much more than I thought. Plus it's better than the advanced biology paper I have yet to do..

What's Left?

There are no Fridays left.
There is only one Thursday left.
But there is sure plenty of homework left!

Veggies and Late Night Thoughts

Last night was probably the last sleepover I will ever have as a high schooler. How bittersweet!

While I'm excited to continue on to the next step, part of me knows that my friendships with those in my class will never be this strong again. 

In celebration of a fantastic four years of high school, what better thing to do than watch a childhood classic: VeggieTales.

I loved rewatching Madame Blueberry. As corny as it may seem, I actually feel like its lesson may be more applicable to me now as I watch it at age 18, in comparison to when I watched when I was about 6 years old. 

We often don't think about our everyday surroundings as being blessings. But after watching Madame Blueberry, I started to think about that. I often times take advantage of those around me and don't tell them how truly blessed I am to have them as friends and family. I think I need to work on that more, especially as I go to college within the next few months.

Late night thinking can be so interesting. I never realized how raw your thoughts can be at that time of night. That's probably why I don't like staying up late most of the time. Raw thoughts can be such a scary thing, but last night it made me just appreciate those I have around me even more..

Freaky

I don't know what's happening. Everything is working its self out again. What? That's crazy.

Naps

Today was the first time since we broke up that I was able to take a nap.

I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous, but it's true. 

Having not been able to get a full night's sleep since that night, I knew a nap would make everything worse.

Something inside of me must have switched back to "normal." 

It was amazing. I napped for half an hour. It felt so much longer, and it helped me so much.

I'm glad something has finally worked..

Negative

My motivation level is impossibly low.. One of my close friends from grade school tweeted yesterday how she started school with 0 motivation and that she is now at -5 motivation. I'm easily in the same boat as she is.
I have SO much to get done.. Advanced Biology, Marriage and Family, Tech Math... Those are just the big things.
As my motivation levels decrease, my attitude is becoming more and more negative. Which probably can't happen for much longer or I'll be getting a few unwanted conversations from my parents..
Time to ditch the negative attitude and motivation level. I need to stay strong these last few weeks!

The Last Dance

Something about last night didn't feel right.

It still doesn't feel like it happened. It feels like it was all a strange dream/nightmare. 

I'm kind of in a cloudy mental state right now. 

In terms of a girls' night, I would consider it a success. 

In terms of anything else, a failure.

I'm so pissed off at you, I can hardly believe it. But at the same time you've already made up for it.

Last night proved that fairy tales pretty much only happen in books and movies. Those perfect moments, rarely happen in really life..

The opportunity even sat right in front of us. We both missed it I guess.

Here are some good moments of the night:

Time for closure.

The last dance is over..

Someone That Cares

It amazes me the kind of people God has placed in my life. I'm so ungrateful most of the time. 

Even through this year, you still listen to me even though we aren't together anymore. You comfort me when I need it the most, and make me laugh without even realizing it.

It's nice to see that you still care about me, even if it isn't as much as before. You still care a little, otherwise why would you listen at all?

You're still here and I'm fine with us just being friends if it means we stay like this.

Sometimes, this is all I need to be saved from those dark and scary moments, that go by so fast that you don't know what is happening.

So thanks. I really appreciate it.

Crazy Fast

This year is swiftly coming to an end.. May is only THREE days away! I can hardly believe it.

After this weekend I've come to realize how much has changed in just a year. A year ago at this very moment I was having a great time getting pictures taken at Prom. I was with the guy that would later become my first boyfriend, yay? I was with all of my closest friends. I was on top of the world.

A year later, I sit at home, filling out scholarships. I'm anticipating all that will come within the next few months. I just finished a nice conversation with a rather nice looking guy that will be going to CUW next year as well. Where will that go? There seems to be so many possibilities ahead of me.. All of these questions keep flooding my head about how college will go for me. And I'm sure, just like high school, it will be gone in the blink of an eye.

As all of these thoughts are coming in my head about the next four years at college and beyond, I try to remind myself that there is still a month left of high school. I haven't graduated yet. I still need to do homework, even though I haven't in quite a long time. I still can be with the people I've gotten so close with over these past four years. Prom is still next weekend.. That'll be an adventure in itself, I mean "going just as friends," I'll take it I guess.

How fast will this summer go? Watching twin 6 year old boys, 36 hours a week. I can't wait! It's going to be great, and I get weekends off! I need to make sure I balance this summer out better. I will not just spend it all with one or two select people.. I haven't moved out of Green Bay yet, so why act like I never want to see those people again? Even if it may be starting to become that way...

I think I finally understand why old people tell me to appreciate my life now. It goes by so fast. I can hardly take it all in anymore... *deep breath*

The Music Will Never End

I'm struggling more this semester than I thought I would.. The lack of music is killing me.
However, I appreciate hymns at church even more.

Next year I'm trying out for Kammerchor at CUW. I'm so nervous, especially since I've had a break this semester from weekly using my voice.

This past weekend helped me make the decision to officially try out for Kammerchor. Originally I wasn't sure, and was just going to try out for Chorale. But I went to Katherine's GBGC concert on Sunday and almost started bawling. I miss music so much..

Jill

My mom wants me to see Jill again before I leave for college.
She said it would be just because the transition from high school to college is never easy, so it would be good for me to be able to talk with someone before all of the change occurs.
Change is such a strange thing for me.
I hate it, but yet constantly am yearning for it.
I'm a lot more emotionally screwed up than I thought. And that is certainly being proven as the year continues to wind down..
Maybe I do need to see Jill again...

New Site

I was surfing the web today and came across this site, I'm not sure how good it is but it looked interesting!

http://everycollegegirl.com/

Undecided

I still haven't decided about Friday... I'm quite torn over it actually.

Free Week

My parents leave tomorrow morning.
House to myself and Katherine.
Suggestions to do while they're gone?
I asked my parents if I could have all of the senior girls over for a movie night. It was vetoed.
Now do I obey my parents wishes and not have them over? Or go with my gut?

*If any of my friends show up at my house with ideas or decide to happen to spend the night, I'm all for it.

London and Paris

Well I've been back from Europe for about a week now and my sleeping is finally about back on schedule. Thank goodness!

Here are some of my favorite pictures from the wonderful trip:

Spring Break 2013

Well I'm finally back from Europe!
I had suchhhh a blast!
I got to spend time with people I don't always get to spend time with, which was really nice.
It's rather amazing to see how friendships change and how you view people differently after 9 days straight together.
I'm going to miss the time we got to spend together because we won't act that way at school..

I think the most interesting part of Spring Break 2013 was the day before we even left.
We acted like we were still together.
We watched our favorite tv show, ate dinner together, went to church together, played video games like the good ole days, and stayed up late acting like we were little.. Look how easily we fell back into place. It's so fascinating to think it happened that easily.
Thew worst part is that when I woke up this morning in your house, I know that we would act like that never happened. After passing you in the hall, we would pretend that it never happened because somehow we both liked it too much.
We know that the reasons why we didn't work together are getting more and more obvious after this trip, but the memories are still so great that they are worth reliving.

High school is the time to create memories, and I think I've done a pretty great job of that..
I think someday I'll look back and smile at all of these things knowing that it all worked out in the end, even if  they turn out differently than once expected...

No Concentration

I can't focus or concentrate on anything for my life today...
It's fifth hour, only lunch and three classes left.
I can do this..
At this time tomorrow I'll be almost to New York, where I get to sit for four hours for my flight to London!

Marriage

Well, the class is all married.
Somehow I'm stuck with one of the worst people possible. Oh and I also got the worst budget possible, $0.
Now I will be forced to work with someone I can't stand, and not even be able to plan my fantasy wedding.
Life sucks.

At least I leave for Europe in less than 3 days! :D plus I'm staying the night at Abby's before and possibly after the trip, party!

Procrastination

I've been hit in the face with my extreme lack of motivation.
I have a project due for advanced biology on Monday, have I started yet? Of course not.
I told myself that because basketball was over :( I would get things done... That's worked out well. The only thing I've accomplished since last week has been establishing a workout plan so I don't get fat as I am no longer in sports.
Real productive huh?

Well on the bright side, I just finished an interview for someone I may babysit for!
*fingers crossed*
Oh, and only 13 days! :D

18

I've really been into the numerical titles lately...
Anywho,

Today is the last day I will ever be 17 again. I was thinking about it in practice yesterday and it just made me think a lot about the movie 17 Again. Will I look back in the future and want to relive this past year? Honestly, I think I will be able to answer yes to that question. 17 has had a lot of ups and downs, but the ups were probably legitimately some of the best days of my life so far. I think that's exciting to think all of that happened in just a year.

Tonight is not only the last night I'll be 17, but the last time I'll play a regular season basketball game. I can't get over that. It's so crazy how that lined up.

18 is going to be a big year with a lot of new challenges ahead of me, but also a lot of fun. Like in a month exactly, I will have spent the night at Abby's and then be flying to Europe! And this will just be within a few weeks of me turning 18, I can hardly imagine what else this year will have in store for me.

Woody

Woody talked to us before practice today and really got me thinking...
This is it.
There are so many lasts I'm not even realizing are happening. Today was the last day before Valentine's Day I'll have with this set of friends.
What am I doing wasting these moments? What if a last pops up that I didn't expect.

This idea fluttered into my mind during the Ash Wednesday service tonight as well. A woman at my church received a phone call last night. Her sister and her sister's husband had died in an unexpected house fire. She never had a known last with them.

I don't want to miss out on anything. More lasts are happening than I'm even realizing. It's scary to realize that just as many firsts are around the corner.

37

Well this post is similar to my last one, my apologies...

37 days until I leave for Europe! I'm so excited, there's a meeting on Sunday which I'll probably fall asleep in..

Anywho,
Time is wasting.. There's only a few months eft of high school and I feel as though I'm wasting all of my time with, well homework! Ironic isn't it? I have so much I need to get done. So of course I'm spending my class time writing this instead of working on the nice and long packet we were just assigned. Makes sense, right?

44

44 days until I leave for Europe with my two best friends! I cannot wait to see London and Paris with them!
Spring Break 2013, come quicker!

Golden Retriever

After watching a video series in Marriage and Family, I've been doing some thinking.
How often do you think before you act? Answer yourself honestly. And I don't just mean thinking oh should I do this or not? Do you ever think how you're effecting someone?

I'm a golden retriever. Sensitive. Indecisive.

Think...

Creative Writing

I miss writing for fun.
Just letting the juices flow
and having words spill out of the pen.
Not knowing where they'll go.

Time to get back to that.

Five

Five months ago you broke up with me. It seems like it's been longer than that. I hardly talk to anyone anymore, the people I used to consider my closest friends hardly invite me over anymore.

Yes, I was the stupid idiotic girl that invested a full summer into you. I sacrificed time I could have had with some amazing friends for you. And you threw it away. Almost too easily.

Things are finally getting to the point where I can look at you, smile, think of the memories, and not feel ashamed for putting time into us. Don't get me wrong, I wish things would've ended differently. But part of me knew it'd happen. That doesn't mean I like it. In fact I hate that it happened. But I loved every single moment that led up to it.

Since that terrible night, we still talk thankfully. But it's not the same. Should it be? We're not in the same positions we were in before, whether I have control of that or not. I'm glad that even though most of the time I initiate conversation, you still respond. You still keep the conversation going. You still ask me questions to get to know me better. But somehow, I hate that we still have that. It's not a clean break. I'm still left wanting more. More of what I still can't have.

Alone in the Park

I'm sitting here alone, my original intentions of coming here was to make peace with what I used to consider ours. I figured this would be a good time to read my book and listen to some Taylor Swift.
I got as far as the music. I picked up my book and opened it. But I couldn't read, I could only look up and out at the lonely park.
The bare trees stand there in bunches, pairs. Most of them are in couples.
The first time I came to this park I was with someone. The time after that I came with a few others. No matter what, this has been the place for socialization and interaction. There has never been a sense of solitude here. But now there is.
The park no longer has that adorable little baby we saw sitting in the stroller while we sat in the swings talking about kids. Those little kids that wanted to join in in our scavenger hunt are no longer racing to the top of the slide. There lives continue on. Most of them probably don't think about that one day we were at this park. But every time I pass here on my way to or from school it all comes back. Laying in the grass, you in the shade because you were warm, me in the sun because I wanted to get a better tan. Getting up quicker than we thought possible when we were swarmed with wasps and sprinted to your car. Those memories are still with me.
But that doesn't mean I have to stop here. My car may be parked in this parking lot, seven spaces away from an old lady sitting in her car reading. Like I was going to.
Part of me knew that coming here would bring it all back, but part of me also knew I needed to come. I needed to say good bye to those memories and leave them here.

Last night I changed sheets for the first time since we broke up. It took me five months to do it. Now that I think about it, that is absolutely disgusting. But I knew as soon as those sheets went through the wash I'd never get back those tears I'd cried over you. They're gone forever now, I can't get them back.

I'm truly alone in this park now. No turning back to the good times we shared. It's time I stood up for myself, alone.

A Day Off

Today was sort of a day off from my normal schedule.
We had basketball practice this morning from 6-7:30. Too early in my opinion.
But, since I didn't have practice after school I got to go home for once!
In my time home I've finished my Ministry Practicum, my article for Advanced Biology, practiced my not very good guitar skills, and started a book!
I feel so productive!
I can just about play Treacherous by Taylor Swift on the guitar! I'm so proud of myself!

I Don't...

I don't want to believe the end is coming.
The end of seeing the same people I've been with for these past four years. The people I might as well have considered my family. People I might as well have lived with.
I know them too well for it to end.

I don't want to grow up.
I spent all of grade school wishing away my life. And now, in the blink of an eye, my childhood is over. I will face a new reality soon. My life is about to start over in some ways.

I don't want to see friendships end.
I've become too close with so many people that I can't imagine being even an hour away from some of them. I don't want to get close with new people, they won't be the same.

I don't want change to happen.
I don't like change. I never will.

2012 Recap

As I was laying in bed last night I thought of how terrific 2012 was for me. Somehow all the terrible moments just floated away and I only saw the good times flash through my mind.
2012 was the year I'd always dreamt of when I was young and thought of how high school would be...
Here's a month breakdown of the good times.

January:
-I don't really remember anything about last January actually.

February:
-I turned 17.

March:
-We won regionals in basketball.
-I bought my prom dress.

April:
-I was asked to prom.
-I had an amazing time at prom.

May:
-I made student council.
-My Junior year ended.
-Caleb and I started dating.

June:
-I spent a lot of time with Bekah.
-I was dating Caleb.

July:
-I was dating Caleb.
-I went to LiFest for the first time.
-I went to California.

August:
-I returned from California.
-I went to Chicago.
-I dated Caleb, for a little longer anyway.
-My final season of volleyball began.
-I started my first college class at CMN.
-I had senior retreat.
-My Senior year began.

September:
-I went spelunking for Advanced Biology.
-I was Homecoming Queen.

October:
-I was accepted to CUW.
-Bekah, Rae, Shannon, Sarah, and I went trick-or-treating.

November:
-I decided to play basketball.
-My sister was confirmed.

December:
-Stage One cantata started.
-I went to the Garden of Lights with Bekah.
-Christmas break started early with a snow day.
-I got to see Lucy and Owen for four days.
-I ended the year with Bekah.


Well that was 2012, a pretty fantastic year... I'll certainly miss parts of it. But other parts I'm glad are gone.

Here are my favorite pictures from 2012: